Throwing In the Towel on Figuring It All Out
On idea paralysis and the insurmountability of achieving social approval in the age of internet culture.
I’m trying something a little different this time around.
For years, I’ve battled the paralysis that comes after the idea and before the execution. I am FULL of ideas! They come pouring out of my eyes and ears and mouth and hands at all hours of the day, and generally find a home in a random note on my phone. Countless plans for paintings, concepts for essays, fun little phrases I want to turn into comics or newsletters… but most of those ideas live and die in the digital graveyard that is my notes app.
It’s no secret that I think we’re doing too much as humans today, particularly in the western world, and I believe this contributes to my paralysis. I simply don’t have enough brain cells or minutes in the day for all of these ideas. But I’ve also come to the conclusion that my paralysis is furthered by a socialized expectation that I have to have it all figured out before I open my mouth, before I put pen to paper or brush to canvas. And the idea of having it all figured out feels rather… insurmountable.
I feel like what I write needs to mean something. Like every piece I put into the world needs to be perfectly polished. This is something I believe is fairly unique to the chronically online generation. Sure, writers and artists and theorists of yesteryear spent a lot of time laboring over their work, iterating and polishing and refinishing before releasing it into the world. But this phenomenon where we are constantly under a microscope, held to unspoken and frequently shifting social standards, and expected to have a stance or perspective on everything— the idea that we can’t be making and sharing our art without also addressing all of the social ills that plague our communities— that is unique to this point in time, in history, in the continuum of technological advancement.
What if we were able and encouraged to struggle through these things more privately, specifically offline and in the physical plane? Alternatively, what if it were okay to be a little wrong in what we share? For our words and our art to be a little underbaked? What if the goal wasn’t to be right or correct or the most morally superior all the time, but rather to be human? What would it look like to accept that it is not a moral failing to not have grappled with every facet of life and the systems that shape it? What would it look like if we gave other people that same grace to be human, and to develop their analyses over time without making assumptions? What if we aimed to make more bad art and write more shitty poems? What if I allowed myself to write this newsletter and send it out without editing it?
Maybe then I wouldn’t feel so stuck.
In my personal life, in my spirit and soul, I have gotten really comfortable these days with these kinds of ideas. I am not interested in having it all figured out, or being a ~better leftist~ than someone else (whatever that even means), or in smoothing out all of the contradictions in my beliefs and politics. I am very cozy in these feelings offline.
But when it comes to online culture, I haven’t yet figured out how to translate these personal politics to my online practice. I fall right back into old patterns of seeking approval and validation the minute I open up Instagram or sit down to write a newsletter. And I’m simply not interested in that way of being anymore.
There is no neat and tidy ending to this musing. I’m going to leave it where it is— rough around the edges, an analysis in process. Maybe I’ll write about this again in time, maybe I won’t! Maybe I will keep my conclusions to myself. Maybe my conclusions will continue to change too often for me to feel confident disclosing them because I know that tomorrow I will think and feel just a little bit differently. Maybe this time I will keep myself from manufacturing social pressure and instead make peace with being where I am, regardless of what anyone else might think…
In an effort to practice sharing half baked ideas, here are a few things I’ve been musing on lately. . .
Diaspora culture has been really heavy on my heart and mind in recent months. For so long, I have felt disconnected from the cultures that birthed me— I am too western and American for them, but too brown and immigrant for America. I do not fit neither here nor there. But maybe there is a third option— diaspora culture. For many months I had a hard time conceptualizing what diaspora culture really meant, but recently it clicked for me: I am a product of diaspora cultures. Diaspora is my culture.
I’ve also been musing on the mad-coding of certain animals, particularly in animated films and shows. Similar to the queer-coding of Disney villains, some choice animals— particularly scavengers— have been socially coded as dirty, dangerous, and deranged. Just think about any depiction of a vulture or hyena in Disney movies. Some of these characters have been queer-coded, but they’ve also been mad-coded. It feels to me like a not so subtle othering of our mad, disabled, and unhoused siblings. If you’re new to mad liberation, check out Mad in America, Asylum, and the Mad People of Colour Manifesto.
Finally, we recently celebrated Nowruz, the Iranian New Year. Nowruz marks the new year using the vernal equinox, or the beginning of Spring; it’s a time to celebrate re-birth, light conquering darkness, and the connection between humans and nature. In reflecting on the meaning of this holiday, I was reminded once again that there are calendars and experiences of time that are much older than the Gregorian calendar that shapes our lives in American society today. There are ways to live and perceive time that are more in touch with our innate purpose and the way we should be relating to the earth. I’ve never really enjoyed celebrating the Gregorian New Year and it’s never made much sense to me. I’d much rather hibernate with the bears and re-emerge with the blooming flowers.
And just for good measure, here are a few things that have made me smile lately:
» Kissy SkateTok <3
» This my little pony meme carousel by Softcore Trauma on Instagram:
» This Rani Ban print which I promptly added to my Rani Ban collection:
Final announcement before I bid you adieu:
Atlanta pals, visit me at the Georgia Vintage Goods market, A Day at Dairies, this Sunday April 9th! We’ll be posted up from 12-6pm at Atlanta Dairies on Memorial Dr. I’ll be making my debut as a vendor under my studio name, Studio Yateem, slinging prints and paintings.
Also follow on my new art account! That is where I will be dedicating most of my social media spoons moving forward, and where you will be able to keep up with my creative endeavors.